My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with
the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.

I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning at 8000 rpm.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day…. he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than K.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

I know I do, as a kid growing up it was one of those shows I watched thinking some of those people are just weird!!!.

Well, read along and enjoy some of the quick wit that the show produced..

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 
 Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
 
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
 
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
 
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
 
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
 
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
 
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
 
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
 
 
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
 
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
 
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
 
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
 
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
 
Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
 
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
 
 
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
 
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
 
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
 
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
 
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
 
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
 
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
 
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
 
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
 
A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
 
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
 
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
 
WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big dick or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…..”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the
Thing..

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to
bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

Just wanted to share so others can have a good laugh.. Enjoy!